Days of Solitude: Part Three

Death

We think everything in us fears & despises death

Often when faced with it, this conviction intensifies

We feel as though something was taken from us,

As though death is the worth thing that can happen

We reject the thought of anyone ever really being ready to die

Because we’re not ready, there’s still so much we want to hold on to

Maybe we’ve faced the fact that death is inevitable,

But we still hate and resist this with all our might

Therefore, the inevitability of naturalness can never really sink in

We just run & we run, thinking if we keep running we can avoid all suffering

Usually when we feel something heavy, the confusion only makes us run farther

Why?

I think there is a part of us that doesn’t fear & despise death,

That knows nothing can be taken from us

That knows that in God’s always perfect & wise timing,

Death is actually the best thing that can happen

This part is always ready to face reality, for all that it is

It begs us with all her force to stop running,

She sends infinite daily signs to notice her,

So that she can share with us deep, real peace & clarity

Slow down

If we look into our hearts instead of our minds,

There is only acceptance & understanding of all things

This wisdom is never taken from us

Not even after running for hundreds of years,

Not even in death

Our heart, our soul, is the strongest, most brilliant part of our existence

Because, she connected with the source of existence itself

When you are confused, try to feel her wisdom

She glows & beckons especially in times of great need

Hence why so many, even non-believers may pray out of desperation,

It is our human instinct to long to feel the source

Unfortunately, 99% of the time, when we are not so desperate, the mind rules

& it is her instinct to distract us from that source with all her power

But…

Maybe sometime you will feel it, the magic in your heart & in everything

Then the clarity & peace will finally start to come & comfort you

& with time, you may feel only trust & appreciation for death,

For its gift of liberation, the natural end to a cycle

& maybe, just maybe we will begin to cherish life more

Maybe we can start to slow down every once in a while

To soak in the grace that is all cycles, all beings, all actions…everything

We might realize while we run, we miss beauty, & this is what really kills a soul

So why not slow down? Take a moment or two to feel…

To feel the earth’s curves beneath your feet, the wind on your face

All of the sensations in you, so alive…

Notice

The plethora of life’s blessings

Try to recognize death as the ultimate blessing,

Leading souls, maybe even yours if you let it, home to the source

Have courage to identify your attachments & begin to let go

You are not your title, your social circles, your skills or your possessions

& you can come home to who you really are, any time

There, this home is not a glass castle, it is real

There, you will find no fear, no doubt, just pure understanding

There, you will feel the brightest of all loves

They say, “If you take one step towards God, He will take 100 towards you”

You are a very good runner…maybe try one step that way?

 

Hello all you beautiful people!!

We have arrived to the final phase of my retreat, by far the most beautiful! Thanks for staying with me this long!

So up until my birthday, Day 25, I was in the necessary process of cultivating inspiration. Some part of me still wasn’t convinced of the amazingness of God in me and around me to its full extent. To be honest, there was dryness in my prayers, there wasn’t true aspiration or fire to quiet the mind to hear my Heart in my meditations, I was letting the stubbornness of the mind rule how I spent my days. In all of this of course there were moments of depth, of surrender, moments I saw Beauty deeply, moments I praised genuinely, I allowed compassion to rule, moments I was growing, becoming more conscious of patterns, moments I was letting go, letting God. All of the information I was intaking from the topics, the lectures, and the books was incredible!! Much of it is the type of information that is past the mind…in fact, you can’t conceptually understand it, but your Heart can. I think this was feeding my Heart, waking Her up, letting Her know I was becoming more and more ready.

Until my birthday there wasn’t this naturalness…I was searching and searching, but outside of myself. I’m not sure what it was, maybe it was because I fasted for the three days before, or because the lecture’s topic of death that day really stroke a chord with me, or because the universe just knew I really needed a hug and my birthday was a beyond awesome day to offer me that gift…but finally, I could let in naturalness. That morning I was just filled with so much gratitude. The realization that on my birthday last year, I had had no exposure to these teachings whatsoever, I was celebrating quite unconsciously, I was just in a completely different place. I was doing better than I had been for sure, but let’s just say, the smile I wore then was coming from a much different place than it does now.

It is beyond amazing to me how much God has blessed me this year. How much unfathomable grace He blesses us all with if we just open our eyes!!! Truly, gratitude and feeling connected are the most natural and abundant feelings these days! I feel purpose, endless hope, peace, clarity, and really, deeply loved. I am able to let love in so much deeper to give it so much more deeply, because I know that the source of love is absolutely inexhaustible and that unconditional love really does exist. I feel unconquerable inspiration, I know what the meaning of life is and I know my direction, to just keep living more and more in my Heart, learning how to let Her celebrate, to notice God in and around me, and to share this immeasurable joy with others. Just wow…to only be turning 23, and to feel all this…to feel divinely guided and divinely loved?! To feel powerful, because my Heart is God’s?! What?!

So this morning, after my normal morning routine and letting myself floss and mouthwash and unwrap a new toothbrush…I love oral hygiene, such a great gift! I sat to meditate and the praise just rose…maybe because my teeth just felt so good…but, I think because my heart just felt so warm and full. I just melted into this admiration of God, crying of pure joy and appreciation and trust and I don’t know how to describe it…’sparkliness’ hahaha…and surrender…goodness gracious, perhaps the most beautiful time of my life! Then, my wonderful friend Rachelle had given me a letter to take into retreat, and like most things, I tend to save them until I can’t wait any longer, and I decided to open it on this day. And wow…what a gift!!!! What a gift!!! Truly, her love…just, wow. Her words just…wow. I am so blessed to be loved and to love so deeply. She encouraged me to “just rest in the smile in my heart, to feel the sun shining inside my chest”, so I did…my heart was smiling, and still is smiling so hugely, it’s utterly magnificent!

After hours of gorgeous meditation, I practiced my favorite asanas and just really enjoyed the gift of yoga, then I broke my fast and ate two mangos! And wow…that is a great way to break a fast…with a heart full of love and with a mouth full of mangos! I had some almonds, some raisins, some coconut and some superfoods too, and was way too happy, then I headed down to the lecture on death. My mind of course thought it was rather strange that I was attending a two hour lecture on death on my birthday, but my Heart was celebrating. Opening to the beauty of death helps you appreciate more fully the gift of life, I think. And as I have recently experienced death of loved ones, this was an particularly juicy topic for me to dive into. Everything Claud shared was beyond beautiful, the last portion was especially extremely inspiring…that ultimately, you, everything you know yourself to be has to be cut away…has to die, in order to really become one with God, which is why we are given this gift of life in the first place. You can still be in your body, but you can be beyond your body, completely beyond your mind, beyond all attachments, you can live and share and be…but really just be God, really just be living in and expressing your very nature….that’s a possibility, and that’s the goal of life. And really, the first step on the spiritual path, once you are past dabbling and experimenting, is to take that step, to start actively seeking out your anchors and courageously detaching from them, because you know that your ultimately anchor is Supreme. I felt it was quite auspicious that I was hearing this on the first day of a new 365 day cycle in my course of life…so this 23rd year, and probably all years after it…while to those that don’t get this yet this might sound very strange…is devoted to death; death and surrender.

Like the poem that I placed with Part One…there is something in us that knows how to celebrate, how to live, how to love, so much more profoundly and wisely than we do. Life is about stepping aside to let Her lead!

So my last days of solitude were about this…learning how to just come into this immensely vibrant feeling of existence. This “I am” feeling, that is so much huger than what my minds thinks I am. Learning how to just enjoy, how to unclog my mind so my ears could really hear the beauty of the birds and of the waves of the lake, how to un-fog my eyes so they could really see the Beauty around me, and of my own body, how to unclog my taste buds and nose and all this skin that can feel the world’s gifts so intimately…

My meditations evolved from something rather forced, thinking things like “crap…I’m not detaching from these thoughts” or “ugh…I suck at this” or “mind…why are you so selfish?”, to really, just being entranced with that smile of my Heart as Rachelle put it. Of course there are times the mind is more agitated and I would employ other strategies to calm it, but I could finally just sit in this Beingness, this Naturalness…this Love, this Sun in my chest…I could be Still…

I realized something that really changed how I meditate. I had previous pursued most frequently two focal points—either Awareness…what I am when there are no thoughts? Coming to see this as what is Real and from here Witnessing thoughts and sensory perceptions…or I would focus on the Heart, how it was feeling then, often stimulating Love to make it a tangible sensation. These two paths are still what I would recommend to those that are interested in meditation, because they are the most direct paths to what is Real, completely beyond the mind, and they are also very accessible and tangible. What I realized that has changed meditation for me, is that actually, whereas before these were separate sensations, is that actually that Peace I feel when I surrender myself to abide in them…is the same in both…that actually Awareness and the Heart are the same, and that those tangible feelings overlap quite clearly actually. And this made meditation all the more fascinating for me! The feeling of Peace, the “sparkles”, the clarity and joy experienced beyond the mind just grew and grew…mmmmm…such a blessing it is every time we come to recognize new faces of God!!!!

Let’s stop here for now and I will add some afterthoughts later 😊

“There is nothing to do, nothing to learn to get closer to Self. If you really believe this, how could it change the way you live? All you need to know is already within you, only become open and still…until when will you postpone?” – Luna

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